A Friend Needed Proof

So a buddy of mine who lives a few streets down from me is over the house hanging out. We were enjoying the damn near 80 degree weather in the middle of January telling stories about the Hurricane. He follows this blog so he knows what goes on in this house.

He brought up the post where he drinks my half empty beers when I leave them out at night. We were finishing up a 12 pack of Bud Light Lime (quit talkin shit, they're good) and head out to a bar before the Hurricane got home from work. What a perfect opportunity we have here. Our last two beers each we only drank half of them. We then put those four beers in different parts of the main room. You can see them here in this picture. Coffee table, counter and just so he wouldn't miss them...one in front of the TV.

When I got home later that night, sure enough...he had finished the four half empty, backwash filled beers we left out and that wasn't enough, he drank more of them from the fridge. This picture exactly what I came home to. I texted this pic to my neighbor soon as I got home. "he passed the test"

I'm pretty sure this will be the next to last time he does this. I just made a special purchase today, I will let you know how it goes... =)

And speaking of that special purchase, if any lawyers are reading this blog feel free to contact me, I think this can be considered assault, I may need your help soon.

Breaks A Hanging Light

It's not completely broken as you can tell, and I was able to make it look like it isn't broken after taking these pictures, but that's not what I'm curious about....

...I want to k now how the hell he broke a light that is hanging seven feet above the ground! The Hurricane is a pudgy little bastard, I doubt he can even reach this thing and probably couldn't jump if he tried. Was he doing a jimmy superfly snooka off the fireplace? Hurricane Cam is soooo needed.

Hurricane's Hang Out Spot

I still cant believe the amount of shit that ends up in the bathroom. Last night the bathroom sink wasn't completely packed with shit, but how much time is he spending in here where there is this many empty beer bottles in the trash? Maybe he is off of his wine kick because usually it's corks and empty wine bottles in here. Whatever.

BD Cleans House, Hurricane Destroys It

This past weekend I had my brothers family and some friends over for a beach day. Obviously I can't have kids and dogs running around the house in this condition so I had to clean up. Four and a half trash bags and three hours later, the house is finally clean. Here are the before pics.

The couch pillows I had to rescue from his room. He had one of the large back pillows and three of the small ones in there. Who knows what the F he does with them. They were doused with febreeze heavily.

All clean. Aside from the broken microwave and laptop it's spotless. Apparently this is our new spot for non working electronics to be stored instead of taken to the garbage...

Here you will notice I left his bong and other drug paraphernalia on the counter, I do this for my own good. If he can't find these materials he will literally destroy the place looking for them.

Here are the bags of trash that needed to be taken outside, another 1.5 bags of other trash also was removed this morning.

And here is his pile of shit I placed in front of his door, his room literally smells too disgusting to even open it briefly. I had several people stick their heads in to verify this, most said it smells like a rancid mix of old food, BO and marijuana. I kept the febreeze within an arms reach when they did this.

I have been gone from the house for two days now, so I will post pics tomorrow of what the Hurricane has done to it. I really need to get the Hurricane Web Cam installed ASAP.

Trash Tribbles And The Great Couch Pillow Migration

The trash tribbles are multiplying again and hanging out by the front door. Last time they were only there for a few days instead of a week and a half, hopefully they make it to the outside trash cans before the weekend.

Not sure where these pesky things come from since he hasn't changed the kitchen trash in well over a week, just keeps stacking it higher.

And the great couch pillow migration of 2011 is picking up steam, about one third of them have moved to the floor right in front of the TV. I'm calling National Geographic, they need to know about these amazing events!

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

I was again gone this weekend, and the typical pattern of Sunday destruction again took place at the house. The Hurricane didn't do the normal five bottles of wine routine, instead from what I can count, he drank three bottles of wine, smoked massive amounts of weed, also drank twelve beers and a vodka drink I haven't been able to identify yet. The following pics are what I came home to late last night. The broken microwave is STILL on the counter, near two months now.

He is also back to his old trick of hoarding random shit on the bathroom counter. He must be hot boxing this room while I'm gone, the entire house reeks of marijuana. I have to keep my door closed now in my bedroom just to keep my dry cleaning from being infected by the Hurricane stank.

Better Than Average Destruction

Came home Thursday night to a "clean" house. Relatively speaking...

It's not that often I can actually see the counter top in the kitchen, this is a welcome improvement! The broken microwave still remains on the counter...

No new wine stains tonight in the carpet, but he is still sitting on the couch pillows two feet in front of the TV like a little kid...

I would guess that about 10% of his garbage is now making it all the way to the trash can! This is HUGE. I couldn't be happier. Hopefully in a few years he will learn how to take the trash outside and not leave bags next to the front door!

Even the bathroom sink is cleaner than normal. But I have to ask...who the hell leaves their toothbrush in the sink after they brush their teeth? A: The Hurricane

The Leftovers Destroyer

This post will be similar to Five Bottles of Wine posted earlier this week, with a little more details.

Saturday after cleaning the house Shitass and some friends came over for a Hawaiian meal. I BBQed some meat and Shitass made Spam and rice, with some eggs and appetizers, nice loco moco dish. The Hurricane was gone most of the day on a man date field trip with his buddist meditation buddy, they wouldn't tell us where they went but we were just happy they were gone.

After finishing the meal we hung out and watched some football. Within a few hours the Hurricane came home, busted in the door in his typical way...

Hurr: Hey! You guys ready for boooooong rips?!?! I aaaaaaam!!!!!!
BD: How was your field trip.
Hurr: Really good really good, I needed to go bad.
SA: Where did you guys go?
Hurr: I just really need to go there...

Ummm, OK dude, who the fuck is 40 years old and still goes on field trips? Wow.

After making fun of the Hurricane while he is in the room, all the jokes just going right over his head, and at one point getting him to sing the song "Rock me like a hurricane" as loud as he could, trying so hard to stay on key, the conversation made a huge left turn. He asked Shitass for advice to keep his balls from smelling so bad. Keep in mind one of my friends is a chick...sitting next to him on the couch. This bonobo has no social filter for casual conversations, oblivious to the awkwardness he creates. We had to leave.

We came back a few hours later and the Hurricane had already started to devour our leftover food. We had totally forgotten that we bought a jar of kimchi (spicy cabbage). We remembered when we got back to the house because the jar was empty, on the kitchen counter.....with a fork in it. He ate the whole fucking jar of spicy cabbage, with a fork, right out of the jar. Fuckin 'eh this guy is NUTS. Nothing is safe from him.

I woke up early and called Shitass in the morning...

BD: Come get me I'm too hungover to ride my bike.
SA: I still can't believe he ate the entire jar man.
BD: Come save me now before I die in a hurricane storm, he's already awake.

When Shitass came to get me I was already sitting outside waiting for him, the Hurricane had woken up already and was sitting on the floor two feet in front of the TV, Indian style, on the couch pillows like an eight year old. My neighbor informed me later that right after we left, about 9am sunday morning, he grabbed a few bottles of wine, placed them next to him on the carpet and was chugging it straight from the bottle in the middle of the living room floor, all day. That was the beginning of this Sunday Rampage.

I jumped in Shitass' truck...

SA: Dude we should get all the food in there and take it to my house.
BD: Good call, theres a lot of beer there too.
SA: You know he is gonna eat everything today...
BD: No soldier left behind bro, lets save our men!

We go into the house and grab all our stuff out of the fridge. About 15 beers, the spam and rice, a full white onion, green onions, sodas...just about everything we bought at the Asian market on Saturday morning. We both had our arms full of groceries as we walked right past him and out the door. We did leave some items behind, and these are their stories:

Eggs. We got a dozen eggs and only used three of them. In the half day I was gone from the house the Hurricane ate SEVEN of them and left the last two out on the counter...

Seaweed. You think dried seaweed would be relatively safe right? Nope, he broke it out and ate it like a fruit roll up. You can see the last remnants of a piece here on the table next to the spilled bloody mary.

Meat. In a container we left five cooked hamburger patties, bread/pork appetizers and a chunk of Spam. When i got home there was no more bread/pork appetizers and only three patties. Keep in mind we have no working microwave, so he ate these right out of the fridge...and left them out over night. The funny thing about the Spam being untouched is that he explained to us how 'gross' it was to eat Spam...he said that to three people that know he had previously eaten dog food and a freaking starfish! Oh the irony...

Sodas. We had bought two six packs of Hawaiian Suns cans, he went through the fruit punch before I even woke up Sunday morning, so we were only able to save five of the twelve.

Sake. I am most sad about this item. I had completely forgotten about the 1.8L bottle of sake I had in the freezer, a nice $50 bottle of my favorite brand. On Monday night when I got home I noticed the bottle was behind the couch in the TV room, sitting on the window sill.....with no cups around. He was drinking it straight from the bottle so it was a lost cause. Its final resting place Tuesday afternoon was, surprise surprise...the trash. The Hurricane drank well over half the 1.8L bottle in 36 hours. Impressive.

Monday Night's Mess

Not sure how a single mammal can use so many dishes and create so much refuge in a single night but the Hurricane repeats this feat daily. This was what the kitchen counter looked like this morning.

It has recently become regular that he wakes up about 5am every morning, comes out of his clutter cave and drinks and eats anything I left over the night before. Last night I left two beer cans on the coffee table with about an oz or two of fluid left and I heard him pick up each one and finish them this morning. The previous night/morning he did it to a half empty Mt Dew bottle. I need to get the Hurricane cam set up immediately, we are seriously missing out on some awesome entertainment.

Bill Clinton Is A Buddist

It would appear that the Hurricane is making his own Ten Commandments. After starting off with the 20 Year Plan he has continued to jot down his drunken thoughts on 3x5 cards. I will keep us all updated, don't worry.

Five Bottles Of Wine

It appears that five bottles of wine is starting to become a Sunday tradition for the Hurricane. Last weekend while I was over a friends house he completely wrecked the place and this Sunday has repeated that accomplishment, maybe even one-upping it. I had cleaned the house Friday and Saturday and it only took one afternoon, half a day, for the Hurricane to completely fuck it up. Here is what the place looked like Saturday morning after I cleaned. Of course I left the broken microwave there, I'm counting how many days, weeks and now months it is going to take him to throw it away.

Now fast forward to last night, I came home to this disaster. At first the kitchen doesn't look so bad, but lets walk around the place.

My friends and I had cooked up a Hawaiian meal on Saturday and everything that was left over was taken out of the fridge and eaten. Everything.

Lets take a look at this pic. See that purple thing on the floor? Thats wine soaked paper towels and a massive new wine stain on the ground. See these couch pillows in the foreground? He sits on them indian style right in front of the TV like a fucking 8 year old does. And whats that on the coffee table?

It's a spilled bloody mary. No need to clean it up just leave it. Thanks asshole. Oh and that green thing next to the glass? That is what he was snacking on....dried seaweed. He was eating it like potato chips. After he ate all the other leftovers it was the only thing left.

This is my life, I live with a Hurricane.

Starting A Hockey League...In SoCal?

That's what he said, but all I heard is "there's going to be more random shit in the common areas of the house". Looks like I was right.

Aside from the Taco Bell bags from his lunch on LAST Monday (eleven days ago) still on the counter, there are now hockey gloves, roller blades and a hockey stick. Wonderful.

Also, notice the broken microwave is still there, it's been over a month now.

But I don't wanna over exaggerate here....that Four Lokos can is mine. =)

The Bathroom Sink Chronicles II

Random pics from different days of all his shit he leaves on the bathroom sink. It's pretty much filled with crap every single day, so nothing really unusual about any of these pics other than I had my phone on my when I walked in the bathroom that day. I used to move everything into the sink drawers but now both of them are so shoved full of shit you can't even open them. Same with the medicine cabinet.

Buys New Socks

Versace got raped by Big Bird and the Hurricane purchased three pairs of it's offspring. If I come home and he is laying on the floor in these socks and his underwear I might have to do the world a favor and remove this creature from the gene pool. It would do Darwin proud.

Cleans Up A Little Bit, Fails

I came home Sunday night to a complete disaster. Way worse than normal. Counting the new wine bottles laying around everywhere, the Hurricane drank five bottles of wine during the Sunday night football game I went to my buddy's house for. Five. There are various items he used for wine glasses all over the TV room. There is a tiny plastic solo cup on the couch, spilled. There is a Chimay goblet laying on the carpet next to the couch, spilled. There is a normal blue solo cup spilled on the coffee table. Two coffee cups used for wine, one on the coffee table and one on the bathroom sink. And empty wine bottles everywhere.

I really need to install the Hurricane cam in here asap so I can see what this creature does during these periods of time, it is quite amazing just looking at the aftermath. One of the more curious things I saw was two empty wine bottles and an empty beer can under the chair. Almost like a chipmunk hiding refuge for winter or something. I don't know why I took a picture of it, I came home and was slightly buzzed so I probably thought it was funny at the time. I never thought I would use it here.

Lets fast forward to last night (Wednesday). I watch the Lakers game over my friends house and when it's over I headed home, it's 10pm so I'm hoping he is passed out. Nope, the red light is on again, which means he is doing his buddist shit. His janitor mentor usually leaves as soon as I walk in and tonight was no different. The Hurricane was somewhat sober tonight, in a good mood and talkative.

Hurr: Hey whats up man hows it going?
BD: Just watched Lakers game over Shitass' house.
Hurr: Oh cool really cool did they win? Who did they play?
BD: Yes. Suns.

I immediately turn on the TV and break out his Kryptonite. There is one thing that can always make the Hurricane go away....old episodes of Cheers. I record these on the DVR and break them out any time I need them. It works every time, within minutes.

Hurr: Oh Cheers huh, cool.
BD: Yep.
Hurr: Well I'm going to clean up a little bit.

What the fuck? God damn Cheers is magical! Thank you Sam 'Mayday' Malone. Naturally I don't get my hopes up. The kitchen sink is filled with dishes as you can see and he never touched a single one of them. All the black powder in the sink is ashes from his bong, no need to wash those down with water or anything, just leave em there, thanks dude.

So what did he clean then? He grabbed two items from under that chair to throw them away. Just two, not all three, just two. And left a single empty wine bottle there. How do you fail in cleaning up three items when it's the only thing you grab? When he said "a little bit" he really meant it! And not only did he not grab all these items from under the chair (also not grabbing ANY thing else at all around the house, including his taco bell lunch from LAST Monday) he didn't even get those two items all the way to the trash! He just put them on the kitchen counter! In the world of a Hurricane....that is cleaning up a little bit. I guess I should be grateful?

So that's how the area under the chair looks now. Wine stains and a single empty wine bottle and a cap to a Hashish capsule. Maybe next time he 'cleans up a little bit" one or two of those items may make it to the kitchen counter too...and possibly all the way to the trash can!

As he put those two items on the kitchen counter I realize what happened. On his way over to the trash he would have had to pass his bong that's on the kitchen counter. So he stopped, lost track of everything he said 10 seconds ago and what he was in the middle of doing, got rid of whatever was in his hands onto the counter, grabbed his bong and took a couple rips. Three rips later he did the Peter Griffin walk into his bedroom and was not seen for the rest of the night. Oblivious doesn't even come close to describing him.

Ten Days Without Supervision - Part 2

See Part 1

As I walk around surveying the damage caused by the Hurricane being left alone without any adult supervision for over a week I am again in complete awe of its destructive capabilities. This is how he left the house when he went away for a few days. Thanks dickhead.

Trash:
Kitchen trash is overfilled like always. There is also a half full kitchen trash bag next to the trash can that is over filled. Also, there is again another full trash bag by the front door. After cleaning all the random trash all over the place I had to take three full trash bags out to the outside trash cans...after not even being at the place in over a week!

Dishes:
Half are in his room and the other half are in the sink or on the counter. I had to do two full loads in the dishwasher before having any usable dishes...after not being at the place in over a week!

Random Shit:
I overfilled a laundry basket of his with all his items left laying all over the house. Shoes, socks, shirts, scarfs?, hats, underwear, books, magazines, trash, bongs, weed, stacks of 3x5 cards, and just about everything you could possibly imagine that should never be left in the common areas of a house you are sharing with someone.

On to more unusual things. After the smell of week old human feces is aired out we notice the house now reeks of mildew. Somehow this asshole left the front door open during a massive rainstorm (yes we actually had some heavy rain this year in so cal). By doing this it soaked the carpet near the front door. About a 4ftx8ft section of it. Did he have the good sense to put a towel down or try to dry it out with a fan? Of course not, Ill take care of that buddy, even though I haven't even been here in over a week!

During this rainstorm it was very VERY windy at the beach. I knew this because Shitass lives a few streets down but also because of how much water and sand got into the place. Lets go hypothetical for a second. Lets say you left the front door open during a major rain storm and you wake up because the wind keeps blowing in and rattling a picture that hangs on the wall in the kitchen. This rattling from the picture is really starting to annoy you...what would you do to fix it? Close the wide open front door?

Well the Hurricane has his own solution. Yep, he grabbed a paper plate from the kitchen and strategically placed it behind the poster to keep it from making noise. This is one clever Hurricane let me tell ya.

We later discovered another wet carpet area under the fireplace...

SA: It's wet over here under the fireplace too...
BD: How the fuck did the rain get in there, there's no windows near it?
SA: Oh man, BD, it smells like piss.
BD: Shut the F up...
SA: Hahahah he plugged the toilet, kept shitting in it but started pissing under your fireplace!
BD: No way, there's no way.
SA: It fucking smells like urine, come smell it!
BD: I remain willfully ignorant of this discovery thanks.

After cleanup the house was back to looking awesome. It was a pleasant four days until the Hurricane returned, and the mess started piling up right away. I took daily kitchen photos so I can put together a time lapse of the Hurricane storm, from spotless clean to standard Hurricane filth. Monday, the first day back he left a taco bell bag and jack in the box bag (who the fuck goes to two different fast food places during lunch anyway) on the counter. That was LAST Monday...its still there today, and today is the following Thursday.

Ten Days Without Supervision - Part 1

I've been gone from the house for about ten days. I watched a friends house for a week and went to Vegas and was bracing myself for the worst possible scenario I could imagine coming home to. Again I realize my imagination is no match for the Hurricane's reality.

Sit back and let me tell you why your living situation is vastly greater than mine...

I pull up to the house and I have to piss really, really bad. As I park I see the red glow coming from the windows. Crap, he is doing his buddist shit again. He has some janitor from his work come over once or twice a week and they meditate...pretty gay shit if you ask me. All the lights are turned off except for a single red one and two grown men sit or lay next to each other with jungle noises on the radio. I don't hang out for this shit so that's all I know about it. I will post later about this, got some great pics and videos.

When I walk in the house he is alone, thank god, and I ask whats going on...

BD: Was your mentor dude just here? That why you have the light on?
Hurr: Yea he just left.
BD: Good I gotta piss like crazy.
Hurr: Yea, um, that toilet is out of commission man, hahaha.
BD: What! Why didn't you fix it!
Hurr: Man, somethings wrong with that thing, I dunno, it's outta commission.

Fuck! This is starting off awesome already. Not in the house for 5 seconds and I'm already pissed off. I have to piss so bad right now I go outside, walk the 30 yards or so to the beach and piss in the ocean, no lie. I think to myself the same ol' thought "So this is really my life huh?"

I go back in the house and go right to my room and shut the door. I go directly to bed so I don't have to see him or see what the house looks like (it's totally dark) and I'll deal with it tomorrow since he is leaving for four days later tonight.

When I wake up and come out of my room to survey the damage I now know the sinking feeling everyone has when a Hurricane passes over their property and their house is leveled. I felt like I was on a State Farm commercial, only no one is coming to help me. First thing I do is go look in the bathroom and see this ominous sign.

When I open the toilet to inspect I instantly figured out what happened. He clogged up the toilet and since I wasn't there he decided he didn't need to plunge it and just left it. Of course this isn't the worst part at all. It was obvious for reasons that I'm not gonna go in to that he had plugged it up, left it backed up, and continued to keep shitting and pissing in it...for days. I am not kidding about this. He even went to the store and bought a packet of those blue toilet bowl cleaner tabs and dropped them in the tank. Yup, in his retarded attempt to 'fix' this situation he thought these tabs would help, you can see the package in the trash above.

So not only did he not fix it, he continued to use it, put blue tabs in the tank and put a sign labeled "broken" on the seat when he left for his trip. Thanks dude, thanks a shit ton.

I had to have someone else witness this so I called Shitass over to watch some college bowl games. He took this picture of me as I went in to do battle with my shirt tied around my face.

It took me only a minute or two to fix what he called "out of commission". That's what grown ups do you fucking retard. I should note here that nothing really grosses me out, nothing. So this wasn't a big deal to me, but I'm pretty sure very few other humans could have done this without losing it. I even had Shitass open the lid to verify that it had been used many times since it was originally blocked up and he wanted to go home instantly. Anyway, I finish it up and when I came out I noticed Shitass wasn't on the couch anymore...

BD: Where the fuck are you, I demand you endure this with me!
SA: I thought I was gonna puke I'm outside by the front door.
BD: You freaking pussy.
SA: F that I was full on gagging just now.

Once this first step to cleaning the house of the Hurricane's wrath was taken, I took a look around the place to take stock of the damage: See Part 2