Saturday after cleaning the house Shitass and some friends came over for a Hawaiian meal. I BBQed some meat and Shitass made Spam and rice, with some eggs and appetizers, nice loco moco dish. The Hurricane was gone most of the day on a man date field trip with his buddist meditation buddy, they wouldn't tell us where they went but we were just happy they were gone.
After finishing the meal we hung out and watched some football. Within a few hours the Hurricane came home, busted in the door in his typical way...
Hurr: Hey! You guys ready for boooooong rips?!?! I aaaaaaam!!!!!!
BD: How was your field trip.
Hurr: Really good really good, I needed to go bad.
SA: Where did you guys go?
Hurr: I just really need to go there...
Ummm, OK dude, who the fuck is 40 years old and still goes on field trips? Wow.
After making fun of the Hurricane while he is in the room, all the jokes just going right over his head, and at one point getting him to sing the song "Rock me like a hurricane" as loud as he could, trying so hard to stay on key, the conversation made a huge left turn. He asked Shitass for advice to keep his balls from smelling so bad. Keep in mind one of my friends is a chick...sitting next to him on the couch. This bonobo has no social filter for casual conversations, oblivious to the awkwardness he creates. We had to leave.
We came back a few hours later and the Hurricane had already started to devour our leftover food. We had totally forgotten that we bought a jar of kimchi (spicy cabbage). We remembered when we got back to the house because the jar was empty, on the kitchen counter.....with a fork in it. He ate the whole fucking jar of spicy cabbage, with a fork, right out of the jar. Fuckin 'eh this guy is NUTS. Nothing is safe from him.
I woke up early and called Shitass in the morning...
BD: Come get me I'm too hungover to ride my bike.
SA: I still can't believe he ate the entire jar man.
BD: Come save me now before I die in a hurricane storm, he's already awake.
When Shitass came to get me I was already sitting outside waiting for him, the Hurricane had woken up already and was sitting on the floor two feet in front of the TV, Indian style, on the couch pillows like an eight year old. My neighbor informed me later that right after we left, about 9am sunday morning, he grabbed a few bottles of wine, placed them next to him on the carpet and was chugging it straight from the bottle in the middle of the living room floor, all day. That was the beginning of this Sunday Rampage.
I jumped in Shitass' truck...
SA: Dude we should get all the food in there and take it to my house.
BD: Good call, theres a lot of beer there too.
SA: You know he is gonna eat everything today...
BD: No soldier left behind bro, lets save our men!
We go into the house and grab all our stuff out of the fridge. About 15 beers, the spam and rice, a full white onion, green onions, sodas...just about everything we bought at the Asian market on Saturday morning. We both had our arms full of groceries as we walked right past him and out the door. We did leave some items behind, and these are their stories:
Eggs. We got a dozen eggs and only used three of them. In the half day I was gone from the house the Hurricane ate SEVEN of them and left the last two out on the counter...
Seaweed. You think dried seaweed would be relatively safe right? Nope, he broke it out and ate it like a fruit roll up. You can see the last remnants of a piece here on the table next to the spilled bloody mary.
Meat. In a container we left five cooked hamburger patties, bread/pork appetizers and a chunk of Spam. When i got home there was no more bread/pork appetizers and only three patties. Keep in mind we have no working microwave, so he ate these right out of the fridge...and left them out over night. The funny thing about the Spam being untouched is that he explained to us how 'gross' it was to eat Spam...he said that to three people that know he had previously eaten dog food and a freaking starfish! Oh the irony...
Sodas. We had bought two six packs of Hawaiian Suns cans, he went through the fruit punch before I even woke up Sunday morning, so we were only able to save five of the twelve.
Sake. I am most sad about this item. I had completely forgotten about the 1.8L bottle of sake I had in the freezer, a nice $50 bottle of my favorite brand. On Monday night when I got home I noticed the bottle was behind the couch in the TV room, sitting on the window sill.....with no cups around. He was drinking it straight from the bottle so it was a lost cause. Its final resting place Tuesday afternoon was, surprise surprise...the trash. The Hurricane drank well over half the 1.8L bottle in 36 hours. Impressive.
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