Hurricane Proofing The Kitchen

When I woke up to the disaster that was Monday morning, when we discovered that the Hurricane had actually tried to heat up a microwave dinner in the fireplace there was one little piece of evidence that helped us come to that conclusion. The microwave that has been broken for near four months now, and still sits on the counter, was plugged in. It doesn't work but it still will turn on and starts overheating and giving off a really bad burnt electrical smell.

When I cleaned up today (the Hurricane was out of town this weekend, so I turn into a maid to stay sane) I was cleaning up the counter area around our broken electronics pile he has started and remembered he had tried to use it and stunk up the place as recently as a week ago. The only safe thing to do, for me and the guy that lives in the upstairs house, is to prevent the Hurricane from being able to drunkenly try to use a broken microwave, for like the fifth time no less, ever again. I used one of the knives he uses to cook his drugs to cut the cord.

Safety first my friends.

Can This Animal Be Trained?

Well, we are almost into our fourth month with no microwave after he set it on fire back in November. He has mentioned only two or three times that he was leaving to go buy a new one, only to come back with a big bag of goodies from the marijuana dispensary. About the same amount of times he said he hired a maid that never showed up.

Anyway, this creature is starting to show signs of intelligence. On his last trip to Trader Joes he didn't buy more microwave dinners like usual, that he has been known to heat up in the fireplace, but a new type of food. I have no clue what it is, but look at the tag line:

"Ready To Eat Warm or Cold"

High Class Hurricane

Yup, two buck Chuck.

Found amongst the trash on the coffee table.

The Bathroom Sink Chronicles IV

This is what the bathroom looked like this morning when I woke up. Really? I was barely gone for four days and you have FOUR rolls of TP in four different spots in this tiny ass bathroom?

What you can't see is that the shower mats are completely soaked through. It's like he took a bath on the floor or something.

And again with those god damn big bird socks. I think I am gonna start throwing those things away. After all, if he runs out he will just use my dress socks. I know this because he leaves his damn socks and shoes all over the house. One day I was throwing all this dirty socks on his bed and noticed one of the pairs were MINE!

Four Days Without Supervision

I came home after spending the week up in Venice Beach watching a friends house and animals so the Hurricane was unsupervised for a few days. This is a visual tour of the house when I got home last night.

But first, lets talk about what happened when I got home. I get home around 10pm and everything is dark. I assumed the Hurricane is already passed out drunk or something so this is a good sign. Before I walk in the front door I always look through the door (glass door) to see if I can see anything creepy going on before I walk in on it. I see nothing, it's just pitch black dark.

I walk in and turn on the light and the creepiest god damn visual I have ever seen appeared. Two grown ass men, in total darkness, sitting indian style on the floor facing each other. What. The. Fuck.

I see them, stop, turned lights back off and walked out. F that, I'm going to the bar.

I returned a few hours later, when I thought it was safe and I was drunk enough to deal with something like that. He was passed out and this is what I found.

Here is the counter last night. Typical Hurricane destruction. Even got a little Buddha statue on the counter watching over the shitpile.

On to the kitchen counter. Typical trash collecting going on here. Believe it or not...this is somewhat cleaner than this area normally is.

Empty wine bottles. MY empty wine bottles. I normally would be mad that he drank these because I buy them up in Paso Robles, CA, you can't get them down here, but one of these bottles was spiked with 1000mg of pure powder caffeine. Bet he had a fun night trying to get to sleep. (An 8oz can of RedBull has 85mg of caffeine)

This is his new hoarding area. He keeps all his buddhist vitamins and shit here. Oh, and see that knife set in the back? We'll get to that in a sec...

It wouldn't be complete without a sink full of dishes...

Do you remember the fireplace cooking incident? Yep, the food is STILL in the fireplace. That was Sunday night, I took this Thursday night. =)

But wait a second...let us have a closer look at that plate. I can't be 100% sure, but I am fairly positive that there was a lot more chicken on that plate when I took the picture of it Monday morning. The fucking ape has been snacking off of this plate! Not only has the food been left out for days, it's covered in ashes! I can't believe I even get surprised by this animal anymore.

And finally, this last picture if for my brother's wife. My little sister. Who was dumb enough to leave a knife set here after a recent visit. Consider them a total loss Lowey, the Hurricane has been using them to smoke his drugs. You should have known better...

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No Microwave No Problem!

This one took a while to figure out. I woke up Monday morning to the house completely trashed. But to be honest, this was mostly my doings. I had a party the night before and we went a little nuts with all the wine I brought back from Paso Robles.

One of the more interesting things I saw in the morning was food in my fireplace. Figuring someone was just really drunk and did it to be funny was enough for me to dismiss this until Shitass came over later that day.

BD: Dude the train came off the tracks last night, look at this place.
SA: Wow looks like we were the Hurricanes last night.
BD: Yea really, someone even threw a plate of food in the fireplace!

We went over to look at it trying to figure out why. I walked away to pick up more trash while Shitass kept looking at it.

SA: Umm, BD, this isn't our food from last night, this is the Hurricane's food.
BD: What?
SA: Is that his microwave dinner packaging trash on the counter?

That's when it hit us. The Hurricane got up in the middle of the night with the munchies. He still buys microwavable dishes even tho he destroyed our microwave and has yet to replace it (three months now). And with no microwave how will he heat up his chicken dinner?

In the fireplace of course! Since we had a bon fire going out on the deck for sunset, he went out and grabbed a burning piece of wood and threw it in the fireplace. He then, clever little devil, grabbed a cooking sheet and put his plate of food on top of it and placed all that on top of the burning piece of wood....in the fireplace.

It must have taken too long to heat up because the food was still there in the morning with the cheese melted on it. I was laughing so hard when we figured out what happened that I couldn't even hold the camera still enough to get a good shot. But this is what I woke up to:

This was not the only crazy thing he did Sunday night. I've got two more posts Ill try to get written tonight, one of them was friends finally observing this creature in his natural habitat and the other post will be the reason I may refer to him as "Dr. Hurricane" from this point forward. Exciting stuff.

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Hoardes Receipts And Trash

The Hurricane will not throw away any receipts. He dumps them all in the same spot on the counter every day. I've been throwing them all in a drawer to keep the kitchen clean but when I woke up this morning it has really started growing. Figured it's a good time to take a pic and submit this creature to the reality show Hoarders and see if they will do a special on him. This guy is gonna end up so famous and doesn't even know know. Blog to book to tv show to movie. It's all in motions already...

This is NOTHING compared to his room. Yes I take pics of that disaster in his stink cave, but posting them would violate some sense of privacy, but trust me, IT. IS. AMAZING.

Ah hell who am I kidding, of course I'm gonna po st them. Soon as I move out. Along with pics of this guy, many people have asked what he looks like so Ill post them when I move out. In the meantime...just picture Peter Griffin. That is him.

Time To Change The TP Roll

I hope he doesn't wonder why I don't bring chicks over the house...

Clips Toenails On Coffee Table

Just noticed this as I got home, he was clipping his toe nails on the coffee table and just left the clipped nails on the table and carpet. The sad thing about this is that it is not the first time this has happened. Maybe I should be happy it's just toenail clippings this time and not toenails AND sand all over the place? Again, is this really my life?

Left Alone For Weekend, Destroys Clean House

Posted without commentary. =\

Rollerblades...In Dress Slacks

Superbowl Sunday is here, I'm naturally hung over as shit from the previous night's UFC party at the house. It was also kind of a 'meet the hurricane' party because so many people read about him now they are dying to meet this Peter Griffin clone.

He did not disappoint, mostly because his buddhist mentor came also. The mentor guy actually tried to collect money from my friends for watching the fight, and I PAID FOR IT! Then after attempting to do that he proceeded to eat ALL the food. All of it. We had not a single leftover from that night...and my brother's wife is Filipino! They always cook for 90 people when 25 show up. First time in three years that I've known her that she didn't have any leftovers!

When I wake up in the morning there is no Hurricane around. The happiness from this realization was cut short when I looked outside and saw the freak sitting Indian style on the sand. He now does chanting and shit when he does this buddhist shit so I'm just waiting for the cops to show up and question him....because he is doing it about 30 feet from a few hundred kids, there was a jr high surf competition going on that morning.

Eventually I see him walking back to the house, every single step he takes his arms swing up to at least shoulder height. He literally is the walking Peter Griffin. And walking in the sand must be hard for this creature because he is stumbling and almost losing his balance on nearly every step. He is wearing black dress slacks, dress shoes and a long sleeve gray dress shirt. He stops just before getting back on the deck and sits on the beach chairs on the sand. Yup, he is in nearly all black dress clothes laying out in the sun on the lounge chairs. What. A. Freak.

After a half hour or so he jumps on the deck and puts on his rollerblades. Dress socks with rollerblades, that's how the Hurricane rolls yo. He skates off right as Shitass and Hank show up to pick me up for the game.

SA: Did you see the Hurricane, he is rollerblading in his dress clothes!
BD: Dude that's nothing, he was just laying out on the lounge chairs in them!
SA: What a train wreck.
BD: Save the beers, lets take them all over your house.
SA: I can't believe they ate all the leftovers.
BD: I cant believe they tried to charge you guys for attending my party!
SA: These idiots deserve each other. WOW.

Infected By The Hurricane Stink

So the Hurricane doesn't just smoke weed, he consumes anything with THC in it. He spends around $2,000 per month on every single item the medical dispensary sells. He goes to "the grocery story" as he calls is, nearly every day and he tries everything. Any time they start carrying a new item he comes home excited and giggling like a little school girl, showing it to me and explaining how this will "totally open my mind" or "change my perceptions on life" or some other grandiose life changing universal blabbering.

One of his favorite items is a powder he smokes that I believe is called kief. I'm not sure of the logistics of smoking this stuff, but I know what the mess looks like (see last pic) when he does. I swear sometimes this house looks like it is in the middle of a taping of Intervention. Recently he has been using his tweezers to heat this shit up. This is what his tweezers look like all the time, notice the burnt black sticky goo on them.

So I came home late from work last week and the sun was already down. It was really dark in the house and I could hear the Hurricane snoring in his room. He is the loudest sleeper I have ever witnessed. And it's not just snoring, he coughs, laughs, whines and sometimes screams in his sleep. Not wanting to wake up the beast I keep the lights off and hurry up and put on some old Cheers episodes so in case he does wake up...he wont come out of his stink cave, Cheers is his kryptonite.

I hurry and grab the remote (which is half broken btw) and turn everything on. When I hit the buttons it was sticky. I threw it down and turned on the lights to see what was up. It was that sticky black burnt goo shit on the fucking remote. No amount of hand washing could remove the smell of burnt drugs, so needless to say I was pretty pissed off going to sleep with my hand smelling like the putrid odor that emanates from under the Hurricane's door. Is this really my life?

Average Monday With The Hurricane

Walking around the house I found a few curiosities I thought I would share. First off it seems that the Hurricane is now taking my beers into the shower, drinking them, and leaving his empties in the shower! And why are there three cans of shaving cream in there? Who knows, my guess is that the bathroom trash can being over one foot away from the shower was a bridge too far to cross.

Wine bottles in the trash can and again his toothbrush just laying in the bottom of the sink. And why do you need to use two deodorant sticks? WTF ever. The bathroom sink chronicles continue.

Looks like he started another house fire, this time the kitchen curtain was the burn victim instead of the microwave, which is still sitting on the counter. Three months now.

And coming home to the house would not be complete with out another symmetrical book stacking incident with the couch cushions, I have the urge to watch Ghostbusters all of a sudden.

Plays Jenga With The Couch Cushions

Just came home to this in front of the TV. Maybe it's some type of Buddhist memorial? Smells like incense in here right now. I'm out of here, going to the local Hurricane shelter (bar).

The Hurricane Effigy

The house is filled with empty beer cans and bottles.

Should I clean up after the Hurricane? Yes
Am I going to? No

What to do with all the empties then?

Build an effigy of the Hurricane how he lays on the floor two feet in front of the TV! Now if he wanted to assume his normal position he would have to move the beer can statue of himself (clean up for once).

He ended up bagging up everything. And left the bag right there! With cans in his running shoes he had to at least get that it was of him. Or not, because he later asked me "what was that dead body man that was funny"

BD: I dunno I was drunk.

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BD Uses Fireplace, Hurricane Goes Camping

This past weekend I was up in central Cali at my parents house. One of the things I did up there was steal some of their wood. They have several cords of oak piled up at their place and I filled up as much as I could stuff in my truck. I use it for both bonfires on the deck with neighbors and our place has a working old school wood burning fireplace also.

The last three nights I started a fire in the inside fireplace. The first night he brought out his comforter and spread it out like a freaking picnic and camped out right under the fireplace. I usually go sit over near it and watch TV from there because it's was warmer. I was tempted to put Cheers on the TV (which is his kryptonite, sends him into his room immediately) so I could be alone but the Lakers game was on.

He grabbed a pillow there and started snoring instantly in the middle of my Lakers game. What. The. Fuck. Whatever, nothing surprises me anymore with this creature, so I didn't think much of it (or take a picture in the morning).

Two nights ago I again had a fire, he was gone and I went to bed before he even got home. He came home at 230am and I heard beer bottles clanking and being opened. I had about 10 bud lights in the fridge, but didn't worry about them because he bought a 12pack of Blue Moon and drinks those when I'm around. I woke up in the morning to take a shower and I hear snoring again from the TV room. I hit the light and see the Hurricane again camped out in front of the fireplace with empty Bud Light bottles around him. What. The. Fuck. Drink your own god damn beers! You have some in the fucking fridge! Not only am I not willing to drink his beers, I hate that wheat beer shit!

I took this picture the next morning.

Last night another (disappointing) Lakers game I watched with a fire going. I woke up this morning AGAIN to him in front of the fire like a little kid on a cub scout camping mission. And more of my beers empty on the coffee table. You still have your beer in the fridge your fucking idiot! Drink YOURS!

Three for three. Three fires, three camping sessions. He is like a damn moth chasing a light, go away you freaking pest and lock yourself in your room. This really sucks because one of my favorite things living in this house is the fireplace. If I have to not use it just to get this creature into his cave of filth every night I'm gonna be pissed. Experiments start tonight, we will see if this animal is trainable. =\

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More Creepy Shit

$25 for a PBS documentary? I guess so, whatever.

Dogs Not Immune To Hurricanes

I love my dog more than anything. So much so I make his own food that I custom order every week or so, super healthy stuff that he LOVES. After I make it I store it in the fridge and heat it up for him every morning. Well, I used to use the microwave to do that, but since our microwave has been broken for a couple months now my dog has to eat cold food. It seems that dogs are not immune to the wrath of a Hurricane. There will be a reckoning.

Another 3x5 Card Found: Work Notes?

Its been a while since I found the 20 year plan and the hungry ghosts index cards in the house so I was surprised (happy) when I just found another one when I cleaned the house yesterday. Possibly work notes? I dunno, feel free to guess if you can read it.

Have you created a 20 year plan yet? If so send it to vegasbd@gmail.com

The Bathroom Sink Chronicles III

Just got home and it's exactly as it was this morning!

Honey, The Hurricane's Nutrional Suppliment?

Lately I've been picking up after the Hurricane. Not for any other reason than to keep the house clean because my dog Malibu is staying with me right now.

One of the more interesting items I keep putting away over and over is his jar of honey. I always find it on the counter somewhere with a fork on top, covered in honey. There is never any other food items around so I'm pretty sure he is just eating the honey straight out of the jar, just like my limeaid concentrate. What's odd is not that he is eating it straight, nothing surprises me anymore, it's that he uses a fork every time! I just don't get it.

He also has been eating my BBQ and Buffalo Wings sauces. He simply pours some into bowl and uses a spoon to eat it. I guess when you eat all the food in the house the next step is all the sauces and condiments.

So anyway, regularly twice a day, sometimes three, this honey jar is out on the counter with a honey covered for on it or in it. I finally took a picture. I'm gonna have to start hiding my salt and pepper and spices soon as this jar runs out!

Has Secret Stash In His Room

The beach day party went on well into the night with my Brother's family and friends over. About 10pm we ran out of beer so I hopped on my beach cruiser and headed to the liquor store to grab an emergency 18 pack. The Hurricane was hanging out with my friends and family and was on very good behavior, I would call this just a category two storm.

I was told by my neighbor Ryan from 33rd street that while I was away and there was no beer in the fridge for that five minutes....the Hurricane went into his room and came out with a warm Bud Light Lime.

Ryan: Where did you get that?
Hurr: I have a secret stash in my room.
Ryan: Interesting, good thinking.

Now, lets think about this for a second, I have some questions.

1. He literally eats all the food and beer in the house, including some other items, so why does he have a second stash in his room?

2. I am the only one who has ever bought Bud Light Limes. Is he really taking my beers, putting them in his room and calling it his 'secret stash' ?

3. If he is taking my beers and storing them, what else of mine is in his 'secret stash'?

If I owned a gas mask I would probably go in his room to find out, unfortunately I care too much about my health to enter the tropical storm of rottenness that he calls his bedroom.

Is this really my life? ...I live with a Hurricane roommate who keeps a 'secret stash' of food and beer hidden from me....and they are MY FOOD AND BEER that I bought! What kind of fucked up weird twilight zone 5th dimension did I just walk in to?

Ticketed For Parking Within Intersection

Noticed this gem in the middle of his trash on the counter last night. If you look closely you will see the violation is "parking within intersection". Ummmm, what?!? Who the hell does that? I think it's hilarious that there is a city code against doing this. Guess this isn't the first Hurricane to blow through Newport Beach!

Under notes it says 'photo taken'. I HAVE to see this, any ideas how I can get a hold of said photo? Unreal.