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For those loyal followers desperately awaiting the grand finale of the promised move out and blog revelation to the Hurricane....this is it. I hope you've enjoyed the journey as much as I haven't.
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I came home Sunday morning after being gone all weekend, and most of the previous week, to find the creature in shorts and no shirt lurking about in the garage. He had a trash bag in his hand and was cleaning out his car. His car is as disgusting as his room, which is WAY worse than anything you've seen of the common areas of the house. I snapped this pic as I was driving by, I chose not to stop and interact with him, I drove to a friends house instead.
When I got back I could not believe the amount of trash laying around the house. And the trash bag he was filling up with trash from his car was in the house! Instead of taking it around the front to the trash cans, he took the full bag of garbage into the house and placed it next to the kitchen trash bag. It literally was more work to take the full trash bag into the house than it was to take it to the outside trash cans. Although I am pretty sure he has no clue we even have outside trash cans since he just leaves full trash bags around the house and they magically (read: I throw them away) disappear every time.
Each of the bags on the counter there are full of trash. Along with the four pack box of monsters. Anything possible to hold trash is filled with garbage laying around the house. The bag from his car is not in view in the above pic next to the trash can. He has even started to leave them next to the front door again!
It was now Sunday night when I get back to the house. The house is even worse! I couldn't take pics because the Hurricane was in his room reading. The oddity of the house being completely destroyed, beer bottles and trash left everywhere, and him in his room calmly, quietly reading made me laugh out loud. This creature is so mysterious I wish I had installed a hidden camera the first day we moved into this place.
The next morning, having planned to escape the Hurricane for several weeks on this day, I showered and got ready for "work". I then drove down to my friends house and we waited for the time when the Hurricane leaves to work so we can go down there and get all my stuff moved out and into my new place undetected. We waited a few hours at my friends house before we sent in the scout team. Shitass and his Roommate Hank drove down there first. I got a text a few minutes later: All Clear!
Game on.
I drove down there and immediately starting assigning tasks. "Shitass, you get all my food and drinks from the kitchen! RM, you help clean out the cupboards of all my cleaning supplies! Hank, you stand there and watch!" (Hank was pretty hung over...)
It took a grand total of 28 minutes to move all my stuff out into my truck and Shitass' truck and drive off. Shitass put 30 minutes in the parking meter and drove off with two minutes left. After I got back to a friend's house I sent the Hurricane the following email:
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From: Brian Davis (vegasbd@gmail.com)
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 2011 12:19:21
To: Hurricane (creature@bigfinancialcompany.com)
Subject: my check posted
You claim this is 'ridiculous' but the only thing ridiculous is the kind of roommate you have been the past seven months. You are probably the most disgusting person I've have ever encountered in my life. About 10,000 people per month think the same thing on the blog I write about you on an almost daily basis. It was the only way I could stand living with you, write about it. All the shit you destroyed, all my food and beer you ate, all the disgusting shit you've done, absolutely incredible. Take a few hours and read about yourself and how you look to the rest of the world. Don't skim over it, really really read it.
http://hurricaneroommate.
And as soon as you mentally start trying to rationalize these stories away think about this: every single person that has ever been over our house reads this blog daily, all of our neighbors around 52nd read this blog daily, and they all say pretty much the same thing...you are way worse in real life than this website makes you out to be.
Leave me alone and never talk to me again. If you don't ever bug me again I promise I wont send this link to all your coworkers or put your name or company you work for on the website and it might remain anonymous forever, it is not my intention, at all, to make you look bad.
But when I say never talk to me again, I mean it. If you even respond to this email I will assume you want your identity revealed on the website and I will post this email (email addresses included) and your response to the blog. Leave me alone.
-bd
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I have yet to hear back from him, so he will remain anonymous, for now. But, naturally, I can't let all of my Hurricane readers down. No guys, I did not go calmly into that good night, the Hurricane will not get away with seven months of torture and get off scott free.
Do you remember the "Broken" 3x5 card story?
If not read it now.
Do you remember the paper towels in toilet story?
If not read it now.
Before leaving the house for good I needed to complete a few tasks I had in mind to make some kind of an attempt get even. One of those things was to do what he did to me. I grabbed a few paper towels and a couple of empty cardboard toilet paper rolls and flushed them down the toilet, predictably backing it up. I then grabbed the plunger in the bathroom.....and threw it away. I then grabbed the secondary plunger in the closet.......and threw that away also. I wasn't worried about him finding them since he has no idea where the trash cans even are.
With the toilet successfully backed up and no way to unclog it, I decided to give him the same warning he gave me. I went to my closet and grabbed the original 3x5 card he left on the toilet that said "broken" and placed it on the toilet seat, just as he had. The same exact card, in his handwriting, half a year later, reappears. Will he see the irony in this? I doubt it, but the smile on my face is evident that it definitely made my day.
So there it is Hurricane. Enjoy. I know that I left you with no toilet paper in the house since I took all my supplies but seeing how full that trash can currently is there next to the toilet, and knowing that you have previously used those dirty, bloody toilet papers to wipe your ass, I figured you would be just fine.
And if you see anyone on the lifeguard tower in front of our place with binoculars staring into the windows observing you....it is probably one of us. You are such a fascinating zoo animal we just can't get enough of you. Watching you is like going back in time and seeing apes use tools for the first time, someone had to document it for the betterment of society!
Hurricane, just know that none of this was revenge, it was the reckoning. Even my mom said I should have done way more things to you. (and she knows ALL the pranks I did to you at the house, it will take a week or two for them all to occur) Those posts will go public when I know they've happened. Good luck in that giant boobie trap of a house I left for you.
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There is one more final update coming. We went back to the house a week after I moved out and took pictures of what it looked like inside, trust me, you will NOT be disappointed with this finale.
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