One week ago (sorry I've been off the internet for a while) the Hurricane drove by my friend's house on the peninsula here in Newport Beach. I doubt the Hurricane remembers but he was over their house once, right before we moved in. I had him over to watch some sports and drink some beers.
I distinctly remember him saying to me during that night "hey I hope you don't mind but I'm kind of a neat freak". Yes, the Hurricane actually said those words.
Anyway, we wonder why is driving on the peninsula at all. He has NO friends, no longer lives on the peninsula (I still do) and doesn't work around here. There are no places to eat right on Seashore Dr where he was driving, is the Hurricane trying to add stalking to the Creature From Craigslist resume?
We will keep you updated.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Eats A Steak With A Spoon
All posts after the FINAL POST are stories that I have never written down, but now that I'm putting the blog stories and the others I haven't posted into an all inclusive book, so I'll be posting some oldies regularly that are new to this site.
I wake up early on Saturday to clean the kitchen and common areas of the house, I have some people coming over to hang out and I needed to put in my two hours of work to make the place respectable. Just about every single dish and piece of silverware is dirty, in the entirety of the seven months I lived with the Hurricane he used the dishwasher a grand total of ONE times.
I clean up and sit on the couch for a few minutes and watch some TV. The Hurricane wakes up and starts cooking a steak (in a frying pan) and some eggs. This was his routine on Saturdays during the last month or two I lived there. Watching him cook gives me the mental imagery necessary to understand how the hell he destroys everything. Every time he cooks he fills the entire house up with smoke. About half the times he leaves something on the stove and goes back to his stink caves and forgets about it.
After he has to open up the house to let the smoke clear, like every other previous time he cooks, he is furiously going through the silverware drawer looking for utensils. He finds what he needed, grabs a paper plate and comes over and plops on the couch next to me. It takes me a minute to see what he is doing....
Imagine the Hurricane, sitting next to you with a steak on a flimsy paper plate, laid on over his belly trying to cut it with a fork and knife. But, um, that isn't a fork in his other hand. There were no more clean forks, or dirty forks for that matter since they were all in the dishwasher load I had started. The creature grabbed a spoon to use instead. Cleaver little monkey. I sat there in amazement as he would cut a piece of steak, put it on the spoon and scoop it into his mouth. He was happy as can be completely oblivious to the ridiculousness of the situation.
I tried over and over to get a picture of video of what was happening 18 inches from me but in great disappointment could never get a good shot.
The best part? It wasn't a normal tablespoon. He was using a giant serving spoon! I still wake up laughing in the middle of the night with this picture in my head. Monkeys are better at using tools than this creature.
I wake up early on Saturday to clean the kitchen and common areas of the house, I have some people coming over to hang out and I needed to put in my two hours of work to make the place respectable. Just about every single dish and piece of silverware is dirty, in the entirety of the seven months I lived with the Hurricane he used the dishwasher a grand total of ONE times.
I clean up and sit on the couch for a few minutes and watch some TV. The Hurricane wakes up and starts cooking a steak (in a frying pan) and some eggs. This was his routine on Saturdays during the last month or two I lived there. Watching him cook gives me the mental imagery necessary to understand how the hell he destroys everything. Every time he cooks he fills the entire house up with smoke. About half the times he leaves something on the stove and goes back to his stink caves and forgets about it.
After he has to open up the house to let the smoke clear, like every other previous time he cooks, he is furiously going through the silverware drawer looking for utensils. He finds what he needed, grabs a paper plate and comes over and plops on the couch next to me. It takes me a minute to see what he is doing....
Imagine the Hurricane, sitting next to you with a steak on a flimsy paper plate, laid on over his belly trying to cut it with a fork and knife. But, um, that isn't a fork in his other hand. There were no more clean forks, or dirty forks for that matter since they were all in the dishwasher load I had started. The creature grabbed a spoon to use instead. Cleaver little monkey. I sat there in amazement as he would cut a piece of steak, put it on the spoon and scoop it into his mouth. He was happy as can be completely oblivious to the ridiculousness of the situation.
I tried over and over to get a picture of video of what was happening 18 inches from me but in great disappointment could never get a good shot.
The best part? It wasn't a normal tablespoon. He was using a giant serving spoon! I still wake up laughing in the middle of the night with this picture in my head. Monkeys are better at using tools than this creature.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Final Post - The Update
The final post. The final update. This is it. As soon as I hit 'publish' on this it's over. I will now be taking all these posts, pictures and comments from everyone and making a nice coffee table book out of it. Not to make money, I have no plans to sell it, it will be self published and will sell a grand total of ONE copy, to myself.
About one week after I moved out and sent him the email revealing this blog to him, a buddy of mine went down to the house to check it out. I had asked him to grab a couple of things I had forgotten. Officially, I am still living here until the end of April, as is the Hurricane, so going in the house, or having a friend go in my house breaks no laws. There was no need to give my friend a key because the Hurricane had lost his keys so many times in the first month I got sick of making him duplicates, so literally, we have never locked this house. Ever.
Aaaaaand since you're gonna be there anyway bud, you might as well get an update to how this creature has been living now that he is all alone in that house, without supervision or a roommate for a week.
First things first. I predicted that the Hurricane, after being notified that all of our friends and neighbors that lived right around us read this blog daily, would close all the curtains and blinds and hide like a creature in hibernation from the world around him. I nailed it. He even figured out how to close the vertical blinds he destroyed which were no longer functional.
So without further ado, let's get to the pictures. Here we have a couple of the kitchen, his favorite ground zero location for his destructive tendencies. No surprises here, the usual...
Well...maybe a couple of surprises. WHY THE FUCK is there a giant black WIG on the kitchen counter? Yes, that's what it is, a giant black dreads type rasta wig.
And if you think that's weird, my bartender friend "KM" in Vegas pointed this interesting little tidbit in this photo....SPRAY TAN! The skinny gold bottle in the lower right, that is Nuetrogena spray tan! It almost makes the fact that there are tons of protein bar wrappers and a giant black wig on the counter completely uninteresting! Is he going out to the bars here in Newport Beach dressed up at Snookie from Jersey Shore?
OK, ok, let's calm down for a second and get to more "normal" Hurricane stuff. Here is a pic of the main TV room, with his shit all over the place like always.
But wait! What is that over in the corner? Does the Hurricane have a couple of new hobbies? Hahahahah I can just imagine this real life Peter Griffin trying to use these items. If you haven't seen the Hurricane, just imagine Peter Griffin or the guy that was on Jeopardy.
OK, ok, ok, what's next. Oh yea, the trash tribbles. Was there trash tribbles? What the hell do you think? The creature has been alone for a week! But the ever clever Hurricane, I think, tried to stave off the tribble invasion temporarily. It looks like he found where the kitchen trash can was and moved it. Five feet. Because, ya know, moving it five feet will make him a less disgusting individual. Or.....he will fill it up, get confused as to what to do when it's full, and just start leaving new trash bags around the house and fill those up too! Any guesses?
Let's try to keep together on this tour everyone. Hey, you in back, catch up, we are going to go look at the creature's stink cave. Please, no flash photography and do not feed the animal if you see him.
And now the couch pillows. You'd think there would be tons of pillows in front of the TV but I knew better. How? Because I finally threw away the remote that the Hurricane previously broke, even though it worked fine for 90% of it's functions. How long did you look for that remote anyway, Hurricane? Does it sadden you to not be able to sit indian style on top of couch pillows two feet in front of the TV like a fucking retarded four year old?
Oh, and that must be why he is watching DVDs now. =)
And over the past seven months the number of beers of mine the Hurricane has drank is probably in the hundreds. Even more if you count the beers I left unfinished that he later went around the house finishing the next mornings. So I had no problems when my friend informed me that he 'rescued' the 18 pack that was in the fridge.
Just look at the smile on my face. Drinking these beers at my buddy's house later that night was a very fulfilling experience. By far the best tasting Bud Light cans I have ever had!
So, let us not keep you in suspense any longer, follow me into the bathroom, the Hurricane's favorite hang out spot.
Look at this above picture for a moment with me and count the random things in the bathroom. Clippers, toothbrush, magazine, razor....ok normal things. But what's with the fucking football in there? The mirror is back in there? Empty water bottle and a shirt steamer? What else do we have here... Full trash can? That's odd. TP on ground and not the wall dispenser? That's odd. Random garbage and clothes on the ground? That's odd. Paper towels? Thought you should know better by now Hurricane! And a scale, maybe to see if his new hobbies are helping him lose weight!
But the best thing ever is the bottle of Draino that is now under the sink. Let me explain why this is unusual/awesome. When I moved out, he had again backed up the shower drain. This was the FOURTH TIME. The previous three times I went and bought Draino and fixed it because, ya know, that's what grown ups do fucker! Actually it was just because I knew he never would. I started calling it the Hurricane's "storm surge". He would literally take showers with the water sloshing around his feet three or four inches high and have no problems with it.
But....after I moved out, I'm pretty sure he had a problem with it. Especially if he had even the most minor of cuts on his skin anywhere the backed up water would come into contact with. The last couple days in the place I even stopped taking showers there. I literally took showers at a friends house and my parents place to avoid mine, knowing that I would be leaving soon and wanted him to deal with his own clogged up clusterfuck of a shower.
And there was one way I knew I could get him to want to deal with dirty backed up shower water all over his feet and legs....
If you don't know what that "PURE CAP" eye dropper is on the right, please visit this link.
http://www.hotsauceworld.com/purecap.html
And it wasn't only the shower I spiked with it, the Hurricane is too predictable, scavenging my Monster Drinks and other food items, to pass this up this opportunity for a real lesson to be taught.
....So with that knowledge, Hurricane, I think you now know why, for probably the first time ever in your life, you truly, TRULY regreted eating and drinking food that wasn't yours. More specifically, MY food and drinks I decided not to take with me from the fridge when I moved out.
FUCK YOU HURRICANE....I WIN
About one week after I moved out and sent him the email revealing this blog to him, a buddy of mine went down to the house to check it out. I had asked him to grab a couple of things I had forgotten. Officially, I am still living here until the end of April, as is the Hurricane, so going in the house, or having a friend go in my house breaks no laws. There was no need to give my friend a key because the Hurricane had lost his keys so many times in the first month I got sick of making him duplicates, so literally, we have never locked this house. Ever.
Aaaaaand since you're gonna be there anyway bud, you might as well get an update to how this creature has been living now that he is all alone in that house, without supervision or a roommate for a week.
First things first. I predicted that the Hurricane, after being notified that all of our friends and neighbors that lived right around us read this blog daily, would close all the curtains and blinds and hide like a creature in hibernation from the world around him. I nailed it. He even figured out how to close the vertical blinds he destroyed which were no longer functional.
So without further ado, let's get to the pictures. Here we have a couple of the kitchen, his favorite ground zero location for his destructive tendencies. No surprises here, the usual...
Well...maybe a couple of surprises. WHY THE FUCK is there a giant black WIG on the kitchen counter? Yes, that's what it is, a giant black dreads type rasta wig.
And if you think that's weird, my bartender friend "KM" in Vegas pointed this interesting little tidbit in this photo....SPRAY TAN! The skinny gold bottle in the lower right, that is Nuetrogena spray tan! It almost makes the fact that there are tons of protein bar wrappers and a giant black wig on the counter completely uninteresting! Is he going out to the bars here in Newport Beach dressed up at Snookie from Jersey Shore?
OK, ok, let's calm down for a second and get to more "normal" Hurricane stuff. Here is a pic of the main TV room, with his shit all over the place like always.
But wait! What is that over in the corner? Does the Hurricane have a couple of new hobbies? Hahahahah I can just imagine this real life Peter Griffin trying to use these items. If you haven't seen the Hurricane, just imagine Peter Griffin or the guy that was on Jeopardy.
OK, ok, ok, what's next. Oh yea, the trash tribbles. Was there trash tribbles? What the hell do you think? The creature has been alone for a week! But the ever clever Hurricane, I think, tried to stave off the tribble invasion temporarily. It looks like he found where the kitchen trash can was and moved it. Five feet. Because, ya know, moving it five feet will make him a less disgusting individual. Or.....he will fill it up, get confused as to what to do when it's full, and just start leaving new trash bags around the house and fill those up too! Any guesses?
Let's try to keep together on this tour everyone. Hey, you in back, catch up, we are going to go look at the creature's stink cave. Please, no flash photography and do not feed the animal if you see him.
And now the couch pillows. You'd think there would be tons of pillows in front of the TV but I knew better. How? Because I finally threw away the remote that the Hurricane previously broke, even though it worked fine for 90% of it's functions. How long did you look for that remote anyway, Hurricane? Does it sadden you to not be able to sit indian style on top of couch pillows two feet in front of the TV like a fucking retarded four year old?
Oh, and that must be why he is watching DVDs now. =)
And over the past seven months the number of beers of mine the Hurricane has drank is probably in the hundreds. Even more if you count the beers I left unfinished that he later went around the house finishing the next mornings. So I had no problems when my friend informed me that he 'rescued' the 18 pack that was in the fridge.
Just look at the smile on my face. Drinking these beers at my buddy's house later that night was a very fulfilling experience. By far the best tasting Bud Light cans I have ever had!
So, let us not keep you in suspense any longer, follow me into the bathroom, the Hurricane's favorite hang out spot.
Look at this above picture for a moment with me and count the random things in the bathroom. Clippers, toothbrush, magazine, razor....ok normal things. But what's with the fucking football in there? The mirror is back in there? Empty water bottle and a shirt steamer? What else do we have here... Full trash can? That's odd. TP on ground and not the wall dispenser? That's odd. Random garbage and clothes on the ground? That's odd. Paper towels? Thought you should know better by now Hurricane! And a scale, maybe to see if his new hobbies are helping him lose weight!
But the best thing ever is the bottle of Draino that is now under the sink. Let me explain why this is unusual/awesome. When I moved out, he had again backed up the shower drain. This was the FOURTH TIME. The previous three times I went and bought Draino and fixed it because, ya know, that's what grown ups do fucker! Actually it was just because I knew he never would. I started calling it the Hurricane's "storm surge". He would literally take showers with the water sloshing around his feet three or four inches high and have no problems with it.
But....after I moved out, I'm pretty sure he had a problem with it. Especially if he had even the most minor of cuts on his skin anywhere the backed up water would come into contact with. The last couple days in the place I even stopped taking showers there. I literally took showers at a friends house and my parents place to avoid mine, knowing that I would be leaving soon and wanted him to deal with his own clogged up clusterfuck of a shower.
And there was one way I knew I could get him to want to deal with dirty backed up shower water all over his feet and legs....
If you don't know what that "PURE CAP" eye dropper is on the right, please visit this link.
http://www.hotsauceworld.com/purecap.html
Product Description: Scoville Rating of 500,000 Units, is the original additive that allows you to quickly heat up a dish, without changing the flavor profile. It can NOT be directly consumed without harm to humans. This sauce is 100 Times Hotter than a Jalapeno - A Mixture of vegetable oil & capsaicin, we demand that you sign a waiver before we will sell you this sauce. This sauce is so lethal it comes in a medicine bottle, with an eye dropper.
And it wasn't only the shower I spiked with it, the Hurricane is too predictable, scavenging my Monster Drinks and other food items, to pass this up this opportunity for a real lesson to be taught.
....So with that knowledge, Hurricane, I think you now know why, for probably the first time ever in your life, you truly, TRULY regreted eating and drinking food that wasn't yours. More specifically, MY food and drinks I decided not to take with me from the fridge when I moved out.
FUCK YOU HURRICANE....I WIN
.
28 Minutes - The Escape
First off, do not, I repeat, DO NOT read this post if you have not read all the previous posts on this blog. This is the climax, what everything has been building up to, of a seventh month trial of patience and equanimity. The bible character Job has nothing on me. Go start at the beginning and come back here when you're done.
-------------
For those loyal followers desperately awaiting the grand finale of the promised move out and blog revelation to the Hurricane....this is it. I hope you've enjoyed the journey as much as I haven't.
-------------
I came home Sunday morning after being gone all weekend, and most of the previous week, to find the creature in shorts and no shirt lurking about in the garage. He had a trash bag in his hand and was cleaning out his car. His car is as disgusting as his room, which is WAY worse than anything you've seen of the common areas of the house. I snapped this pic as I was driving by, I chose not to stop and interact with him, I drove to a friends house instead.
When I got back I could not believe the amount of trash laying around the house. And the trash bag he was filling up with trash from his car was in the house! Instead of taking it around the front to the trash cans, he took the full bag of garbage into the house and placed it next to the kitchen trash bag. It literally was more work to take the full trash bag into the house than it was to take it to the outside trash cans. Although I am pretty sure he has no clue we even have outside trash cans since he just leaves full trash bags around the house and they magically (read: I throw them away) disappear every time.
Each of the bags on the counter there are full of trash. Along with the four pack box of monsters. Anything possible to hold trash is filled with garbage laying around the house. The bag from his car is not in view in the above pic next to the trash can. He has even started to leave them next to the front door again!
It was now Sunday night when I get back to the house. The house is even worse! I couldn't take pics because the Hurricane was in his room reading. The oddity of the house being completely destroyed, beer bottles and trash left everywhere, and him in his room calmly, quietly reading made me laugh out loud. This creature is so mysterious I wish I had installed a hidden camera the first day we moved into this place.
The next morning, having planned to escape the Hurricane for several weeks on this day, I showered and got ready for "work". I then drove down to my friends house and we waited for the time when the Hurricane leaves to work so we can go down there and get all my stuff moved out and into my new place undetected. We waited a few hours at my friends house before we sent in the scout team. Shitass and his Roommate Hank drove down there first. I got a text a few minutes later: All Clear!
Game on.
I drove down there and immediately starting assigning tasks. "Shitass, you get all my food and drinks from the kitchen! RM, you help clean out the cupboards of all my cleaning supplies! Hank, you stand there and watch!" (Hank was pretty hung over...)
It took a grand total of 28 minutes to move all my stuff out into my truck and Shitass' truck and drive off. Shitass put 30 minutes in the parking meter and drove off with two minutes left. After I got back to a friend's house I sent the Hurricane the following email:
----------------
From: Brian Davis (vegasbd@gmail.com)
But I don't owe you any money and will never give you a penny more, ever.
You claim this is 'ridiculous' but the only thing ridiculous is the kind of roommate you have been the past seven months. You are probably the most disgusting person I've have ever encountered in my life. About 10,000 people per month think the same thing on the blog I write about you on an almost daily basis. It was the only way I could stand living with you, write about it. All the shit you destroyed, all my food and beer you ate, all the disgusting shit you've done, absolutely incredible. Take a few hours and read about yourself and how you look to the rest of the world. Don't skim over it, really really read it.
http://hurricaneroommate.blogspot.com/
And as soon as you mentally start trying to rationalize these stories away think about this: every single person that has ever been over our house reads this blog daily, all of our neighbors around 52nd read this blog daily, and they all say pretty much the same thing...you are way worse in real life than this website makes you out to be.
Leave me alone and never talk to me again. If you don't ever bug me again I promise I wont send this link to all your coworkers or put your name or company you work for on the website and it might remain anonymous forever, it is not my intention, at all, to make you look bad.
But when I say never talk to me again, I mean it. If you even respond to this email I will assume you want your identity revealed on the website and I will post this email (email addresses included) and your response to the blog. Leave me alone.
-bd
-------------------
I have yet to hear back from him, so he will remain anonymous, for now. But, naturally, I can't let all of my Hurricane readers down. No guys, I did not go calmly into that good night, the Hurricane will not get away with seven months of torture and get off scott free.
Do you remember the "Broken" 3x5 card story?
If not read it now.
Do you remember the paper towels in toilet story?
If not read it now.
Before leaving the house for good I needed to complete a few tasks I had in mind to make some kind of an attempt get even. One of those things was to do what he did to me. I grabbed a few paper towels and a couple of empty cardboard toilet paper rolls and flushed them down the toilet, predictably backing it up. I then grabbed the plunger in the bathroom.....and threw it away. I then grabbed the secondary plunger in the closet.......and threw that away also. I wasn't worried about him finding them since he has no idea where the trash cans even are.
With the toilet successfully backed up and no way to unclog it, I decided to give him the same warning he gave me. I went to my closet and grabbed the original 3x5 card he left on the toilet that said "broken" and placed it on the toilet seat, just as he had. The same exact card, in his handwriting, half a year later, reappears. Will he see the irony in this? I doubt it, but the smile on my face is evident that it definitely made my day.
So there it is Hurricane. Enjoy. I know that I left you with no toilet paper in the house since I took all my supplies but seeing how full that trash can currently is there next to the toilet, and knowing that you have previously used those dirty, bloody toilet papers to wipe your ass, I figured you would be just fine.
And if you see anyone on the lifeguard tower in front of our place with binoculars staring into the windows observing you....it is probably one of us. You are such a fascinating zoo animal we just can't get enough of you. Watching you is like going back in time and seeing apes use tools for the first time, someone had to document it for the betterment of society!
Hurricane, just know that none of this was revenge, it was the reckoning. Even my mom said I should have done way more things to you. (and she knows ALL the pranks I did to you at the house, it will take a week or two for them all to occur) Those posts will go public when I know they've happened. Good luck in that giant boobie trap of a house I left for you.
-------------
For those loyal followers desperately awaiting the grand finale of the promised move out and blog revelation to the Hurricane....this is it. I hope you've enjoyed the journey as much as I haven't.
-------------
I came home Sunday morning after being gone all weekend, and most of the previous week, to find the creature in shorts and no shirt lurking about in the garage. He had a trash bag in his hand and was cleaning out his car. His car is as disgusting as his room, which is WAY worse than anything you've seen of the common areas of the house. I snapped this pic as I was driving by, I chose not to stop and interact with him, I drove to a friends house instead.
When I got back I could not believe the amount of trash laying around the house. And the trash bag he was filling up with trash from his car was in the house! Instead of taking it around the front to the trash cans, he took the full bag of garbage into the house and placed it next to the kitchen trash bag. It literally was more work to take the full trash bag into the house than it was to take it to the outside trash cans. Although I am pretty sure he has no clue we even have outside trash cans since he just leaves full trash bags around the house and they magically (read: I throw them away) disappear every time.
Each of the bags on the counter there are full of trash. Along with the four pack box of monsters. Anything possible to hold trash is filled with garbage laying around the house. The bag from his car is not in view in the above pic next to the trash can. He has even started to leave them next to the front door again!
It was now Sunday night when I get back to the house. The house is even worse! I couldn't take pics because the Hurricane was in his room reading. The oddity of the house being completely destroyed, beer bottles and trash left everywhere, and him in his room calmly, quietly reading made me laugh out loud. This creature is so mysterious I wish I had installed a hidden camera the first day we moved into this place.
The next morning, having planned to escape the Hurricane for several weeks on this day, I showered and got ready for "work". I then drove down to my friends house and we waited for the time when the Hurricane leaves to work so we can go down there and get all my stuff moved out and into my new place undetected. We waited a few hours at my friends house before we sent in the scout team. Shitass and his Roommate Hank drove down there first. I got a text a few minutes later: All Clear!
Game on.
I drove down there and immediately starting assigning tasks. "Shitass, you get all my food and drinks from the kitchen! RM, you help clean out the cupboards of all my cleaning supplies! Hank, you stand there and watch!" (Hank was pretty hung over...)
It took a grand total of 28 minutes to move all my stuff out into my truck and Shitass' truck and drive off. Shitass put 30 minutes in the parking meter and drove off with two minutes left. After I got back to a friend's house I sent the Hurricane the following email:
----------------
From: Brian Davis (vegasbd@gmail.com)
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 2011 12:19:21
To: Hurricane (creature@bigfinancialcompany.com)
Subject: my check posted
You claim this is 'ridiculous' but the only thing ridiculous is the kind of roommate you have been the past seven months. You are probably the most disgusting person I've have ever encountered in my life. About 10,000 people per month think the same thing on the blog I write about you on an almost daily basis. It was the only way I could stand living with you, write about it. All the shit you destroyed, all my food and beer you ate, all the disgusting shit you've done, absolutely incredible. Take a few hours and read about yourself and how you look to the rest of the world. Don't skim over it, really really read it.
http://hurricaneroommate.
And as soon as you mentally start trying to rationalize these stories away think about this: every single person that has ever been over our house reads this blog daily, all of our neighbors around 52nd read this blog daily, and they all say pretty much the same thing...you are way worse in real life than this website makes you out to be.
Leave me alone and never talk to me again. If you don't ever bug me again I promise I wont send this link to all your coworkers or put your name or company you work for on the website and it might remain anonymous forever, it is not my intention, at all, to make you look bad.
But when I say never talk to me again, I mean it. If you even respond to this email I will assume you want your identity revealed on the website and I will post this email (email addresses included) and your response to the blog. Leave me alone.
-bd
-------------------
I have yet to hear back from him, so he will remain anonymous, for now. But, naturally, I can't let all of my Hurricane readers down. No guys, I did not go calmly into that good night, the Hurricane will not get away with seven months of torture and get off scott free.
Do you remember the "Broken" 3x5 card story?
If not read it now.
Do you remember the paper towels in toilet story?
If not read it now.
Before leaving the house for good I needed to complete a few tasks I had in mind to make some kind of an attempt get even. One of those things was to do what he did to me. I grabbed a few paper towels and a couple of empty cardboard toilet paper rolls and flushed them down the toilet, predictably backing it up. I then grabbed the plunger in the bathroom.....and threw it away. I then grabbed the secondary plunger in the closet.......and threw that away also. I wasn't worried about him finding them since he has no idea where the trash cans even are.
With the toilet successfully backed up and no way to unclog it, I decided to give him the same warning he gave me. I went to my closet and grabbed the original 3x5 card he left on the toilet that said "broken" and placed it on the toilet seat, just as he had. The same exact card, in his handwriting, half a year later, reappears. Will he see the irony in this? I doubt it, but the smile on my face is evident that it definitely made my day.
So there it is Hurricane. Enjoy. I know that I left you with no toilet paper in the house since I took all my supplies but seeing how full that trash can currently is there next to the toilet, and knowing that you have previously used those dirty, bloody toilet papers to wipe your ass, I figured you would be just fine.
And if you see anyone on the lifeguard tower in front of our place with binoculars staring into the windows observing you....it is probably one of us. You are such a fascinating zoo animal we just can't get enough of you. Watching you is like going back in time and seeing apes use tools for the first time, someone had to document it for the betterment of society!
Hurricane, just know that none of this was revenge, it was the reckoning. Even my mom said I should have done way more things to you. (and she knows ALL the pranks I did to you at the house, it will take a week or two for them all to occur) Those posts will go public when I know they've happened. Good luck in that giant boobie trap of a house I left for you.
.
My Email To The Hurricane - Blog Revealed
Below is the exact email I sent to the Hurricane minutes after I moved out. Safe to say he had a worse Monday than you did...
----------------
From: Brian Davis vegasbd@gmail.com
----------------
From: Brian Davis vegasbd@gmail.com
Date: Mon, 18 Apr 2011 12:19:21
To: Hurricane (creature@bigfinancialcompany.com)
Subject: my check posted
You claim this is 'ridiculous' but the only thing ridiculous is the kind of roommate you have been the past seven months. You are probably the most disgusting person I've have ever encountered in my life. About 10,000 people per month think the same thing on the blog I write about you on an almost daily basis. It was the only way I could stand living with you, write about it. All the shit you destroyed, all my food and beer you ate, all the disgusting shit you've done, absolutely incredible. Take a few hours and read about yourself and how you look to the rest of the world. Dont skim over it, really really read it.
http://hurricaneroommate.
And as soon as you mentally start trying to rationalize these stories away think about this: every single person that has ever been over our house reads this blog daily, all of our neighbors around 52nd read this blog daily, and they all say pretty much the same thing...you are way worse in real life than this website makes you out to be.
Leave me alone and never talk to me again. If you don't ever bug me again I promise I wont send this link to all your coworkers or put your name or company you work for on the website and it might remain anonymous forever, it is not my intention, at all, to make you look bad.
But when I say never talk to me again, I mean it. If you even respond to this email I will assume you want your identity revealed on the website and I will post this email (email addresses included) and your response to the blog. Leave me alone.
-bd
-------------------
5/5/11 To date I have not heard anything from the Hurricane.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The Hurricane's Drawers (Pun Intended)
This is a very fascinating picture. Click to enlarge it and take a moment to absorb the absolute randomness of it. I was cleaning the house, putting his drug paraphernalia into his room and just couldn't resist taking a picture of the shit show that is his organizational skills.
**Photo edited to hide identifiable details
**Photo edited to hide identifiable details
Takes A Shit While Wearing Rollerblades
The amount of random items that tend to end up in the bathroom really only point to one thing, he spends a grossly inordinate amount of time in the bathroom hanging out. I couldn't count how many times I came home to beers and wine bottles, drugs, books, board games and who the F knows what else in there.
But I've got a great story that trumps them all. The Hurricane has a VERY regular routine in the morning. He wakes up and scurries into kitchen looking for anything, realizes the fridge is completely empty, then darts into the bathroom as fast as he can.
I know all his movements by sound now after living with him for the better part of a year. It was easier for me to listen to him, wait for him to leave, then go about my day. So right after he gets out of the bathroom he goes outside, puts on rollerblades and goes skating for about a half hour. He usually goes down and plays hockey with a group of kids somewhere. (don't ask, I don't know and no I've never asked him about it, that's a rabbit hole I am not willing to go down)
Anyway, today is a little different. He wakes up and goes outside first thing. Usually right after he goes outside I hear him roll past the house and disappear for a while (he rolls right past my window usually dragging his hands on the wall and fence making a shit ton of noise). But today I hear him roll on the concrete for a second, then open the front door. I then hear him walk/roll/slide on the carpet then roll into the bathroom. He is in there for a couple minutes and then rolls out of the house, continuing his normal pattern.
I am laying in bed telling myself 'no way he just took a shit wearing rollerblades'. I get up and go check (since he never flushes the fucking toilet) and sure enough he left me another $5 footlong to wake up to. Just amazing. I texted my buddies down the street the news right away.
BD: Hurricane just took a shit wearing rollerblades!
SA: Not surprised by anything that ape does, not even blog worthy. Text me when he burns the place down. And even then wait till after 10am shit.
Looks like we are starting to take the Hurricane's awesomeness for granted.
But I've got a great story that trumps them all. The Hurricane has a VERY regular routine in the morning. He wakes up and scurries into kitchen looking for anything, realizes the fridge is completely empty, then darts into the bathroom as fast as he can.
I know all his movements by sound now after living with him for the better part of a year. It was easier for me to listen to him, wait for him to leave, then go about my day. So right after he gets out of the bathroom he goes outside, puts on rollerblades and goes skating for about a half hour. He usually goes down and plays hockey with a group of kids somewhere. (don't ask, I don't know and no I've never asked him about it, that's a rabbit hole I am not willing to go down)
Anyway, today is a little different. He wakes up and goes outside first thing. Usually right after he goes outside I hear him roll past the house and disappear for a while (he rolls right past my window usually dragging his hands on the wall and fence making a shit ton of noise). But today I hear him roll on the concrete for a second, then open the front door. I then hear him walk/roll/slide on the carpet then roll into the bathroom. He is in there for a couple minutes and then rolls out of the house, continuing his normal pattern.
I am laying in bed telling myself 'no way he just took a shit wearing rollerblades'. I get up and go check (since he never flushes the fucking toilet) and sure enough he left me another $5 footlong to wake up to. Just amazing. I texted my buddies down the street the news right away.
BD: Hurricane just took a shit wearing rollerblades!
SA: Not surprised by anything that ape does, not even blog worthy. Text me when he burns the place down. And even then wait till after 10am shit.
Looks like we are starting to take the Hurricane's awesomeness for granted.
The Calm Before The Storm
Before there was the Hurricane...there was a once beautiful, fully functioning house. When I went through my phone/camera the other day downloading all the very old pictures I took of the Hurricane's destructions I came across this pic. This is the very first picture I took inside this house. Notice the working microwave, the not broken chairs, no missing couch pillows, front door not broken and the glass not shattered, curtains not burned, no empty wine bottles laying around the house, no trash tribbles lurking around, books on coffee table instead of toenail clippings....in general, a beautiful beach house prior to the Newport Beach Hurricane that hit from 2010 through 2011.
I've forwarded the owners of this place the link to this blog, along with my contact information (I'm not on any lease of any kind and have no liability here at all), I hope they read it and accept my sincerest apologies for what happened in their house. I only hope you can use the evidence that is well documented here to help recover your financial losses which I'm sure well exceeds our deposit.
I've forwarded the owners of this place the link to this blog, along with my contact information (I'm not on any lease of any kind and have no liability here at all), I hope they read it and accept my sincerest apologies for what happened in their house. I only hope you can use the evidence that is well documented here to help recover your financial losses which I'm sure well exceeds our deposit.
What's With The Poltergeist Mirror?
We have a mirror next to the front door hanging on the wall with dimensions of about 18" x 24". It has been hanging there for 7 months, surprisingly without incident. Then I came home one day and the mirror is no longer hanging on the wall, it is laying up against my stuff that I keep on the counter there. Here are the two pics...
I thought almost nothing about this. Considering how he destroys doors when he goes through them I just assumed he slammed the front door too hard one day, the mirror fell down and he was unable to figure out how to hang it back up. After all, I don't expect a retarded four year old to be able to figure out how to hang something on a wall, even if the nail is already there, so I didn't expect the Hurricane too either. So I took the 2.5 seconds to stop, hang it back up, and go about my day.
I came home the next day from work to a realization that what I thought happened is probably not what actually happened. This time, the mirror was in the hallway next to the kitchen! I didn't take a picture of this, sorry about that, because I was in a hurry. So much in a hurry I didn't even remember to try to figure out what happened and why the mirror would be in the hallway. I simply hung it back up and we about my day.
THEN, I came home the next day to the mirror not being on the wall, or next to it, or even in the hallway. I looked in the Hurricane's stink cave but it wasn't in there either. I just figured he probably broke it and threw it away.
THEN, I went to take a piss later that night when I got back. The freaking mirror is in the bathroom! Why the shit does he have the mirror in the bathroom now? Was this were he was taking it each time I had to hang it back up? Was he using it to manscape with his new trimmers? Was he using it to do massive lines of adderall to keep losing weight? Is he just moving random things around the house to confuse me?
I still have no idea what he was doing with it. There is even an update to this post that has already happened, just can't post it yet. Soon.
I thought almost nothing about this. Considering how he destroys doors when he goes through them I just assumed he slammed the front door too hard one day, the mirror fell down and he was unable to figure out how to hang it back up. After all, I don't expect a retarded four year old to be able to figure out how to hang something on a wall, even if the nail is already there, so I didn't expect the Hurricane too either. So I took the 2.5 seconds to stop, hang it back up, and go about my day.
I came home the next day from work to a realization that what I thought happened is probably not what actually happened. This time, the mirror was in the hallway next to the kitchen! I didn't take a picture of this, sorry about that, because I was in a hurry. So much in a hurry I didn't even remember to try to figure out what happened and why the mirror would be in the hallway. I simply hung it back up and we about my day.
THEN, I came home the next day to the mirror not being on the wall, or next to it, or even in the hallway. I looked in the Hurricane's stink cave but it wasn't in there either. I just figured he probably broke it and threw it away.
THEN, I went to take a piss later that night when I got back. The freaking mirror is in the bathroom! Why the shit does he have the mirror in the bathroom now? Was this were he was taking it each time I had to hang it back up? Was he using it to manscape with his new trimmers? Was he using it to do massive lines of adderall to keep losing weight? Is he just moving random things around the house to confuse me?
I still have no idea what he was doing with it. There is even an update to this post that has already happened, just can't post it yet. Soon.
.
Take The Hint You Dirty Bastard
Several times a week the Hurricane would come home to something very similar to this picture. I would clean up and put all his shit in front of his door, which, I had to close because it would stink up the rest of the house. Never once did he ever mention, acknowledge or probably even notice what I had done. The times I saw him come home when there was a pile like this he would just open his door and push it all in with his feet. Amazing creature.
Hurricane Has Sad Clown Face? =(
Don't leave your private shit all over the house, idiot.
**Photo edited to remove name and identifiable info...
**Photo edited to remove name and identifiable info...
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The Creature's Cave V
Pre-Blog Kitchen Photo
Here is another older photo I took that predates this blog. It isn't quite as impressive as the later kitchen destruction photos, it would seem it took the Hurricane a month or two to really turn into a Cat5 storm!
Helps With Parking
Today the weather is great in Newport Beach, CA. It's the weekend and my brother and his family are coming over again. He brings the kids and dogs and it's a fun beach day. It's also the only time the Hurricane is able to interact with anyone from the real world since he has no friends, aside from the buddhist mentor freak that comes around, but even that guy he has to pay him to hang out.
Parking is shitty at the beach, it's just how it is, you can't get around that. So I try to save some spots for people that are coming down, at least one for my brother since he has to unload kids and all that. I woke up early and grabbed a spot. The Hurricane was also awake and then someone moved from the parking spot right in front of our house, I asked him if he can move his car out of the garage and park in that spot to save it. He said sure and moved his car.
The spot that the Hurricane moved to has a meter on it. I told him don't worry I'll put quarters in the meter so he wont get a ticket. He said cool. So I loaded up the meter with quarters, paying for a few hours (at $1.50 per hour) and went back inside and continued to clean.
So now with the place clean and two spots saved I sit down to relax and watch some TV and have my first beer. As I'm sitting there on the couch I watch the Hurricane come out of the bathroom after his shower, all dressed up ready to go out, walk outside, get in his car and leave.
What. The. Fuck. ?
There is over two hours in that meter! I asked him to park there to save the spot until a friend comes to park there and he move back into the garage! And he just bails? Sure enough another car pulls into that spot within seconds of him leaving. Lucky them they didn't even have to put quarters in. At least someone gets something out of me living with this creature!
The Hurricane truly is a retard.
Parking is shitty at the beach, it's just how it is, you can't get around that. So I try to save some spots for people that are coming down, at least one for my brother since he has to unload kids and all that. I woke up early and grabbed a spot. The Hurricane was also awake and then someone moved from the parking spot right in front of our house, I asked him if he can move his car out of the garage and park in that spot to save it. He said sure and moved his car.
The spot that the Hurricane moved to has a meter on it. I told him don't worry I'll put quarters in the meter so he wont get a ticket. He said cool. So I loaded up the meter with quarters, paying for a few hours (at $1.50 per hour) and went back inside and continued to clean.
So now with the place clean and two spots saved I sit down to relax and watch some TV and have my first beer. As I'm sitting there on the couch I watch the Hurricane come out of the bathroom after his shower, all dressed up ready to go out, walk outside, get in his car and leave.
What. The. Fuck. ?
There is over two hours in that meter! I asked him to park there to save the spot until a friend comes to park there and he move back into the garage! And he just bails? Sure enough another car pulls into that spot within seconds of him leaving. Lucky them they didn't even have to put quarters in. At least someone gets something out of me living with this creature!
The Hurricane truly is a retard.
Eats Sleeping Pills Like Skittles
This one I never expected. This was back many months ago when I still used to get surprised by the Hurricane's unusual life patterns. I was over a buddy's house on 33rd street Sunday night and was about to ride my bike home. It was pretty cold out, I believe this was back in Nov or Dec so I didn't want to stop at the store to buy some sleeping pills for the week.
Work was crazy busy to the point I would have to leave before 6am and this is the only way I can force myself to be in bed by 9pm. So my buddy Hank gave me a pack of his all natural pills, it was a new pack so it would more than hold me over for the week, or so I thought.
I took one out of the new pack and idiotically left the pack out on the kitchen counter. There is NO WAY the Hurricane could have mistaken these for anything other than sleeping pills, but sure enough I wake up to the package looking like this. He ate all these in one night. Amazing.
Work was crazy busy to the point I would have to leave before 6am and this is the only way I can force myself to be in bed by 9pm. So my buddy Hank gave me a pack of his all natural pills, it was a new pack so it would more than hold me over for the week, or so I thought.
I took one out of the new pack and idiotically left the pack out on the kitchen counter. There is NO WAY the Hurricane could have mistaken these for anything other than sleeping pills, but sure enough I wake up to the package looking like this. He ate all these in one night. Amazing.
Monday, May 2, 2011
The Creature's Cave IV
A couple more pictures of the creature's habitat. Again on separate days. Still got quite a few more to post of this as it was how the stink cave looked on a daily basis.
The Hurricane's Signature
I'm not sure why I found this so interesting. His normal writing appears to be almost completely unreadable. See his 3x5 card notes here, here and here. He is also your typical hoarder, he keeps all kind of trash he accumulates throughout the day in his pockets, crumbled up, then throws it all on the kitchen counter when he comes home from work.
I love seeing his signature on the dozens of receipts that are always laying about. It is a good visual example of level of possible retardation going on with this creature. Two of the three letters you think you can see here aren't even in his name, but this is how he signs everything. Fascinating indeed.
**Photo edited to remove name and identifiable info.
####Update: I didn't even notice this myself till an old friend "JN" pointed it out, but the idiot took the signed copy home with the tip on it that was supposed to be left at the restaurant! "Store Copy" right on the top. hahahah Ah man I love the Hurricane.
I love seeing his signature on the dozens of receipts that are always laying about. It is a good visual example of level of possible retardation going on with this creature. Two of the three letters you think you can see here aren't even in his name, but this is how he signs everything. Fascinating indeed.
**Photo edited to remove name and identifiable info.
####Update: I didn't even notice this myself till an old friend "JN" pointed it out, but the idiot took the signed copy home with the tip on it that was supposed to be left at the restaurant! "Store Copy" right on the top. hahahah Ah man I love the Hurricane.
Hyper Hurricane
If you thought poking a sleeping bear with a stick is risky, how about spiking my wine with pure powder caffeine that I am pretty sure the Hurricane will consume?
I guess caffeine doesn't mix well with wine, because the next morning after setting this up in a few bottles of MY wine I woke up to this. Looks like the Hurricane grabbed one of my bottles, drank it straight from the bottle and spit it out all over the sink. Don't bother to clean it up Hurricane, I'll do it like always!
I smelled the bottle and it was rancid. I then started spiking my own Monster Energy drinks that I wouldn't finish with it, there is no way this creature got any sleep that week. =)
I guess caffeine doesn't mix well with wine, because the next morning after setting this up in a few bottles of MY wine I woke up to this. Looks like the Hurricane grabbed one of my bottles, drank it straight from the bottle and spit it out all over the sink. Don't bother to clean it up Hurricane, I'll do it like always!
I smelled the bottle and it was rancid. I then started spiking my own Monster Energy drinks that I wouldn't finish with it, there is no way this creature got any sleep that week. =)
.
Friday, April 29, 2011
The Creature's Cave III
More updates for the "Creature's Cave" Series. Didn't want you to think that the first post was a one time thing. Or even the second post was unusual. Here are a couple more pictures from different days. And yea, I've got tons more.
This is the Hurricane's natural habitat. Please do not pet or feed the animal, no flash photography. Enjoy your day at the Creature Theme Park.
This is the Hurricane's natural habitat. Please do not pet or feed the animal, no flash photography. Enjoy your day at the Creature Theme Park.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Hurricane Origins, Pre-Blog Photos
The other day I went through my phone and grabbed all the pictures I had taken from when I first moved in. I started taking pictures about six weeks before I started this blog. Most of all of those pictures I have never used because as soon as I started writing about the Hurricane it was tough just to keep up with him on a daily basis.
So here are one of the first sets of pictures I ever took. These were taken back in October, a month or so after we moved into this place. It was your typical situation where I was gone for the weekend and came back to the place destroyed. This was back when I was still shocked by this behavior...
It looks like he had already broken all the glasses at this point, that is when he started using plastic cups to drink his wine.
It was also before he started with the trash tribbles. Little did I know that him starting to leave trash around would lead to trash bags multiplying out of control and ending up sitting on the carpet by the front door for weeks...
And finally seeing this picture made me laugh. I took a picture of the then working microwave because I couldn't believe someone would spill something in there and not clean it up. Wow, knowing what we all know now about that microwave, how naive was I at the time?
So here are one of the first sets of pictures I ever took. These were taken back in October, a month or so after we moved into this place. It was your typical situation where I was gone for the weekend and came back to the place destroyed. This was back when I was still shocked by this behavior...
It looks like he had already broken all the glasses at this point, that is when he started using plastic cups to drink his wine.
It was also before he started with the trash tribbles. Little did I know that him starting to leave trash around would lead to trash bags multiplying out of control and ending up sitting on the carpet by the front door for weeks...
And finally seeing this picture made me laugh. I took a picture of the then working microwave because I couldn't believe someone would spill something in there and not clean it up. Wow, knowing what we all know now about that microwave, how naive was I at the time?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)